I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
