When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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