Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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