You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
