hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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