Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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