He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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