just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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