The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize