you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
