Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
