These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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