Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
