you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
