who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
