I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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