Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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