My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
