mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
