I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
