i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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