My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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