I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
