everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
