New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
