I got chris browned last night
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
