Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
