Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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