so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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