just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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