It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
