...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
