I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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