my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
