Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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