when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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