i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
