I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize