So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize