I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
