I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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