yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
