I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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