Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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