If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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