i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
