Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
