rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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