So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
