i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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