saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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