Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
