I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
