In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
