Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
