I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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