Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
