Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
