Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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