Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
