Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
