we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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