Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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