omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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