it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
