did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
