When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
